Thursday, April 26, 2012

Taking a Step Back

I bought these for myself today. I don't usually buy stuff like this, but today I felt the need. They are my favorite - I love them in orange, yellow and hot pink. I adore their simplicity. And yes, they did the trick - they perked me right up. I've had a lot on my mind of late that has been weighing on me heavily.

I feel like my husband and I were on a certain path for our family and were making great progress on our plans and goals. However, I think the saying goes - "even the best laid plans...often go awry." I think I'm struggling because my pride is getting in the way.

Deep down I know that this possible step back is where God is calling us, but I'm not happy about it. I'm fighting it and I know I shouldn't. I know in the end it's the right decision and what's best, but deep down my pride keeps poking its ugly head up and waving frantically. I'm getting in the way of His plan and I know it. That's the worst part.

A little over two years ago we moved to a small rural community. I've written about it in previous blogs. I love it.  Especially our house. I knew I'd eventually have to give it up when we were finally ready to buy. That was all part of the plan. Down size a bit two years ago, pay off debt and work towards a home of our own. Well, we've come to a little bump in the road, possibly more so a fork in the road if I was being more positive.

Little man has some special needs and the small financially strapped school system we're in isn't the best for what he needs. As he has gone through this Kindergarten year the issues have slowly presented themselves. It's been a rough year, but yet a beautiful year of firsts. First day, first bus ride, first school lunch, first recess, first school program, first parent/teacher meeting and the list goes on. I've so enjoyed watching him grow and learn, but I know 100% that if we switch school systems he'll be far better off and get the help that will allow him to reach even higher.

We've talked to teachers, counselors, OTs, our doctor...we've researched. The clear answer is in front of us, but yet I am fighting. I'm doubting. I'm second guessing. And still through all that, Jesus meets me where I am. He gently shows me the way and tells me I can do it, and it will be okay. Let go and trust. As I struggle with all of this, He sends me gentle reminders and some times big bold ones that I can't ignore no matter how hard I try.

As I drove home from the store tonight, listening to KLOVE with my hot pink Gerber Daises in the seat next to me, I realized it's just a step back, no big deal. A few years ago I took the biggest personal step back I could have ever imagined, and it changed my life in amazing ways. I'm more so on the path that God intended for me as a woman/wife/mother than I ever have been. One day I'll find the words to write about that, for it's stories woven within stories and His fingerprints are sprinkled all throughout, but I still can't quite get the words out on that one.

I'm pretty sure our life is changing a bit come Fall, and I'm pretty sure it doesn't involve my little yellow house with the wrap-around porch. But one step back is going to equal a whole lot of little steps forward for little man, and that alone is enough for me. It's just a house and after all, it's not really mine at all.

1 comment:

  1. A house is a house--a HOME is where the family comes together for the good of all..Small steps--big leap of FAITH!!!!