Friday, April 19, 2013

Does the heart go on?

I've been turning inward quite a bit of late. Thinking. Pondering. Trying to make sense of how my heart feels. Wondering what it is God is trying to teach me, and where exactly is His path taking me right now in this moment? I've tried being still (Psalm 46:10), as one my very favorite verses gently whispers, but it just isn't helping this time around, and I can't put my finger on it. Words have always been a talent for me and lately I can't even find proper ones to put a rational thought to exactly what is bothering me... I feel restless and tired. A weary that I feel goes down to my very spirit. A strange quiet has come over me. It's actually been around for months now. Maybe since Fall. It's as if I could sense then, my life was changing and a new season (a new chapter) was coming, no matter if I wanted it to come or not.

I miss my Mom a lot. She crosses my mind almost daily. I can't believe it's been just over two months since I held her hand in that hospital room and said my goodbyes. What a strange moment that was - beautiful, sad, gut wrenching, peaceful, grace filled...all at the same time. She had suffered so in those last years and so deserved to go home to Him, but nothing prepares you to let go of your Momma. Nothing. I dream very strange dreams of her, weird twisted ones at times. Ones that give me panic attacks in my sleep. I wish they would be more peaceful and comforting. I pray that God gives me those. My heart needs those. My mind replays those last moments with her as she slipped away. The last words she ever said to me. They were good, simple and perfect words. That she loved me and my sugarpies - never forget that. She was always worried about us knowing she loved us. She often said that in those last months, would we know she loved us... Without a doubt, Mom, without a doubt.

We knew her love by her actions. She sacrificed her entire life for all 9 of us. Always dying to herself for the greater good. She was a humble servant to many. A good and faithful servant until the end. Sometimes I wish she would have been stronger and looked out more for her own happiness, so she wouldn't have had to carry so much pain and heartache. But then I think maybe that wasn't His will or plan for her and it was all part of His great plan. I wish my heart wasn't so troubled still. I wish it would find peace. I don't enjoy feeling this way. I ache for her. For one more moment. For one more talk. One more time to hold her hand. To understand things better. To say I am sorry for stupid things. I think it must be called regret.

I finally got a good dream the other night. I sensed her in my dream. She felt so close. I dreamed of pennies and violets. Both were things that meant something special to her in this life. I hope I get more dreams like that. I hope as the days grow longer, I feel her closer, that the ache in my heart grows less and that the joy of celebrating life and its precious moments grows stronger.

I think part of me is just selfish. I feel too young to have her gone. I want to be sitting on a bench with her at the park and watching the kids laugh and play. I want to be going through the drive-thru with her in my passenger seat for a treat of an icy coke. I want to be picking tulip bulbs out of the gardening books with her.

Is Celine right, does the heart go on?

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